


apollon blue

by roaldcore



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Punk Yamaguchi Tadashi, oiyama date in high school and break up, then they go to the same college, tsukki is a great friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23102347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roaldcore/pseuds/roaldcore
Summary: He thought he would never see Yamaguchi again, but now here he was, right in front of him. That changed everything. That flame in his heart flickered a little and it was like feeling sunlight again.In which Oikawa, who had broken Yamaguchi's heart once upon a time, sees him again in his 3rd year of university, and Yamaguchi wants nothing to do with him.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 242





	apollon blue

**Author's Note:**

> hello ♡ the title from the song [apollon blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFSq3IwvGMk) from the sakamichi no apollon ost : ) wld highly suggest listening to it while u read, its a good mood hehe
> 
> thank u ella for helping me edit this hehehe hopefully there arent too many issues

They had dated for 8 months, give or take a few days. Yamaguchi was in his first year and Oikawa in his third. Yamaguchi had spotted the tall brunette at their first joint practice game. He was on the bench and devastatingly attractive. Then, the elder served and it blew him away. Powerful _and_ beautiful. At that point, it was over for Yamaguchi.   
  
Yes, his heart was hammering in his chest, but this was an upperclassman, and a popular one at that— if the squeals of his fangirls on the edges of the gym were anything to go by. Yamaguchi probably wouldn’t see him until the tournament in a few months, so it was best to forget it quickly. Once the match was over, he caught Oikawa’s eye as he was leaving the gym and the boy smiled at him before heading his own way. Yamaguchi swallowed.  
  
As it turned out, Oikawa frequented the same public library that Yamaguchi sometimes studied at when he was too antsy at home. He saw him once on a Wednesday afternoon with a young child that called him _stupid Uncle Tooru_ and then again on Sunday. Yamaguchi kept his head down and did his best to focus on his textbook in front of him. What he wouldn’t have expected would be Oikawa sliding into the seat across from him on that same Sunday with an exclaimed, “Ah! Karasuno!”   
  
Yamaguchi startled in his seat and offered a sheepish smile, “Uh, hello.” His hand were shaking a bit and he was finding it excruciatingly difficult to maintain eye contact with the stunning boy.  
  
“I’m Oikawa Tooru from Seijoh,” he offered a warm smile, “We played a practice match.”  
  
“I know who you are,” Yamaguchi mumbled.  
  
“Oh, you do?” Oikawa’s smile grew wide on his face and Yamaguchi couldn’t help the pink crossing his cheeks. “Might I ask your name?”  
  
“Yamaguchi Tadashi,” he squeaked.  
  
“Cute name. You’re cute too,” Oikawa hummed and Yamaguchi honestly couldn’t tell if he was teasing him or not.  
  
Oikawa was definitely a teaser. He spent an additional hour and a half seated across from Yamaguchi as he eased more conversation out of the nervous first year. It’s only at about the thirty minute mark that Yamaguchi stopped feeling like he was going to pass out every time Oikawa opened his mouth, so that was a good sign. By the end of it, Yamaguchi was left seated alone— Oikawa said he has to head home for dinner— with Oikawa’s number scrawled on a sticky note in his hands and the promise of a date during the following week. It all happened in a whirlwind, and Yamaguchi was honestly blacked out for half of it but _Oikawa Tooru asked him out on a date_.  
  


* * *

It took maybe two months before Yamaguchi finally settled into the relationship. He was a nervous wreck at the beginning, but who could blame him? Fucking _Oikawa Tooru_ was his boyfriend. The popular, smart, and attractive captain of Seijoh’s volleyball team was _into_ him. Yamaguchi could hardly believe it— only beginning to grow comfortable with the idea it at that same two month mark.   
  
Yamaguchi knew that Oikawa had suitors upon suitors lined up so it was only natural for him to be questioning why Oikawa wanted dorky Yamaguchi. He had asked Oikawa more than once, but each time Oikawa hugged him tightly and assured him, “Other people don’t matter. I just like _you_.” Afterwards, Oikawa would tell him that he was cute and witty, and that he loved his freckles and how driven and stubbornly prideful he was, and then hug him again. It made Yamaguchi red like nothing else but it laid his worries to rest for the time being and he was thankful.  
  
Oikawa told the younger to come to him about any insecurities that he had so he could help him get through them, and slowly, Yamaguchi did just that. He opened up about how nervous he was about dating a third year— and a popular one at that— and how he was afraid to be a burden. He wanted to be equals. Oikawa listened with a kind ear, hugging Yamaguchi the entire time he spilled his heart. “I don’t ever want you to feel like we’re not equals. I know our age difference is a little strange but even though you’re younger, I’ll never see you as less than,” Oikawa had assured, “And you’re not a burden, trust me. I _want_ to spend time with you. I’m choosing you, so never feel that way, okay?”  
  
  
  
As much of a natural tease and a ridiculous flirt that Oikawa was, he was surprisingly patient. On their first date, Yamaguchi was sure that the elder would try to kiss him at some point during the movie and his body tensed at the fear that wracked him. He wasn’t averted per se— he _liked_ Oikawa after all— but a kiss then would be _too soon_. He was too nervous and too afraid to disappoint— this being his first kiss and all— that he cringed at the thought of it. However, the movie finished and Oikawa walked him to the station, parting with a hug.   
  
Yamaguchi gave him a puzzled look but said nothing.   
  
Oikawa read him anyway. “We don’t have to rush,” he smiled, “I’m one hundred percent okay to wait.” Yamaguchi flooded with relief, followed by swirls of affection in his chest.  
  
  
They went on another date, and then another, then another, and Oikawa still didn’t kiss him. By then Yamaguchi’s anxiety was mostly replaced by impatience. _Now_ he wanted to kiss Oikawa and the oaf was too benevolent to pick up on Yamaguchi’s signals— still being as patient as ever; contented with hugs and hand-holding. Impatient as he was, Yamaguchi was thankful deep down though. He didn’t need any more time to grow comfortable, but it was certainly reassuring to know that Oikawa was willing to give him that extra time if he _did_ need it.   
  
It’s the end of their fifth date and Oikawa had stopped them just outside of Yamaguchi’s house to say goodnight. He was about to go in for a hug when Yamaguchi stopped him, holding him by his shoulders. “Something wrong?” Oikawa asked softly.  
  
“Ki— I wanna kiss,” Yamaguchi mumbled, eyes glued to the pavement.  
  
Oikawa sucked in a breath. “You’re sure?” he asked after a pause. Yamaguchi nodded, and suddenly there were two hands cupping either side of his face— cradling gently as if he was something precious. Oikawa’s lips were soft and they moved slow on Yamaguchi’s own lips. Yamaguchi melted and fell deeper into Oikawa.   
  
When Oikawa pulled away, his eyes were full of stars. “I don’t know how I’m going to get enough of you, Tadashi,” Oikawa sighed and he looked at Yamaguchi like he was everything. In that moment, Yamaguchi really _did_ feel like everything.  
  
  
Oikawa was with him when he got his ears pierced. They went to the parlor together and Yamaguchi was a little nervous, but mostly excited. Oikawa held his hand on the way there, then still during the appointment, and just as firmly afterwards. It was reassuring and Yamaguchi couldn’t express his thanks. So he kissed him instead, and Oikawa’s soft smile told him that the older boy understood.  
  
“They look cool,” Oikawa said after they left the building, walking to the station, “Fitting.”   
  
“Really?” Yamaguchi looked at Oikawa gingerly. He itches to touch is earlobes but they’re still tender so he stops himself.  
  
“Definitely,”   
  
“I might get some more then,” Yamaguchi mused tapping his chin lightly.  
  
“I really might die then,” Oikawa snickered, feeling his cheeks tinge pink with the idea of his boyfriend with even more piercings. It would be cool, but definitely bad for his heart.  
  


* * *

At six months, things began to fray. Exams loomed for both of them, but for Oikawa it meant much more. They spent less time together and although Yamaguchi was content to wait it out, Oikawa became more tense with each passing day. Yamaguchi did his best to be patient the same way that Oikawa was patient for him. He keeps his words soft and his smiles bright. He gave Oikawa space when he needed it and was always there at a moment’s notice when Oikawa grew weary.   
  
Yamaguchi is patient, but it hurts when Oikawa snaps at him and tells him, “You just don’t _get_ it. You’re not a third year so you don’t understand how much pressure I’m under right now.”   
  
Yamaguchi told him that of course he’s not a third year— they both knew that. Oikawa’s tone still stung though. It made him feel small and unwanted and he hated it. “I’m gonna go home,” Yamaguchi muttered and Oikawa barely acknowledged him when he stalked out of the cafe. It was their first fight and Yamaguchi didn’t want to cry, but he still did.  
  
  
The next time he saw Oikawa, it was a week later and neither of them wanted to talk about it. Oikawa was still tense and Yamaguchi didn’t want to upset him any more, so he did his best to keep quiet while they went to the aquarium. He still holds Oikawa’s hand the whole time, and makes idle conversation about the fish.   
  
Yamaguchi is jittery when Oikawa leaves to go to the washroom. They’d been there for maybe an hour and Oikawa’s mood didn’t seem to be improving.   
  
He’s wracking his brain for what he can possibly do to make Oikawa feel better when he feels familiar arms wrap around him. He’s startled but lets Oikawa bury his face into his shoulder anyway.  
  
“M’Sorry,” Oikawa mumbled ashamedly into Yamaguchi’s jacket, “For last week and today. I was being an asshole because I’m stressed but I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. I’m really sorry, Tadashi.”  
  
Yamaguchi felt relief flood through him at the words and he breathed a sigh. “It’s okay,” he smiled wistfully, turning around so he can hug Oikawa back.  
  
“It’s not,” Oikawa insisted, “I’ll do better.”   
  
When they’re walking together later that evening, Yamaguchi felt that things would be okay and that things would go back to normal. He had Oikawa’s hand in his and the stars were beginning to come out, and he felt calm.  
  
“I think I’m falling in love for the first time,” Oikawa said quietly as they walked. Yamaguchi almost didn’t catch it.  
  
“You are?” Yamaguchi asked, and Oikawa nodded. “I’m glad.”   
  
Oikawa’s kiss when they part at the train station was soft and tender and Yamaguchi couldn't help his glee at how Oikawa was beginning to feel what Yamaguchi was feeling all along.

* * *

“You sure hang out with that tall blonde a lot,” Oikawa had said offhandedly one afternoon. They were alone at Oikawa’s house having lunch on a Saturday.   
  
“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked after taking a sip of his juice.   
  
“You even have a cutesy nickname for him?” Oikawa raised an eyebrow. Yamaguchi tensed a little; he knew that tone, and it was anything but friendly. It was the tone that Oikawa used to goad Kageyama on the court and it was dangerously close to the tone that the elder had used with him just a few weeks ago.  
  
“He’s my best friend, so yeah,” Yamaguchi replied carefully, assessing Oikawa’s expression over the rim of his glass.  
  
Oikawa scoffed. “He’s not harbouring a secret crush for you or anything is he?”   
  
“Wha— no! It’s not like that at all,” the younger boy shook his head. He tried to keep his tone light but the same glint remained in Oikawa’s eyes despite his teasing tone.   
  
“Okay,” Oikawa shrugged, “Just try hanging out with him less.”  
  
That irked Yamaguchi. He was doing his best to remain calm and civil during this bout of unwarranted questioning, but Oikawa telling him what to do despite Yamaguchi bending over backwards to appease him ticked him off. This whole time he was walking on eggshells for the older boy, only for him to keep lashing out. “You hang out with Iwaizumi-san all the time,” Yamaguchi muttered.  
  
“That’s different,” Oikawa replied tersely.   
  
“How?”  
  
“It just is. You just don’t get it.”  
  
There that phrase was again. _You just don’t get it_. It was belittling and he hated it. Although meek, Yamaguchi had learned over the years not to take shit for no good reason. Tsukishima had made sure to drill that into him after one too many incidents with bullies in elementary school. What Oikawa was doing was not only unfair but also uncalled for, and Yamaguchi was swiftly reaching his limit for how much more of the immature lashing out he could take.   
  
“If you can’t explain it, then get over it. I already told you that you have nothing to worry about with Tsukki, so you’re supposed to trust me,” Yamaguchi sighed.   
  
“Well _excuse me_ if I don’t trust that conniving asshole,” Oikawa sniffed.  
  
“That’s my friend you’re talking about,” Yamaguchi warned, already starting to get up from his seat.  
  
“Yeah, your fucking second boyfriend, sorry,” the elder scowled.  
  
“Stop lashing out, it’s unfair just because you’re stressed out— ”  
  
“ _That’s_ what you think this is about?!” Oikawa seethed, slamming his palms on the table when he stood.   
  
“Obviously!” Yamaguchi snapped. He stood up from his own chair and it screeched against the kitchen floor. “You’ve been a dick for the past few weeks because of it and I’m sick of coddling you!”  
  
“Then just fuck off!” Oikawa snarled. Yamaguchi’s heart squeezed.  
  
“Okay, I will then,” he scoffed, gathering this things.  
  
He was out the door in seconds.  
  


* * *

They don’t talk for a week and a half. For the first few days, Yamaguchi was furious. Tooru was being a stupid child and he could piss off for all Yamaguchi cared. He ranted to Tsukki about it— him being one of the few that knew about his relationship— and the blonde listened carefully. He agreed with what Yamaguchi was frustrated about and the brunette was thankful that he wasn’t the only one thinking so.  
  
On day four, Tsukishima sat him down at lunch and gave him a stern talking to. “I know you’re mad,” the blonde cautioned, “But shouldn’t you guys make up soon? He’s in the wrong about this, but I know you care about him for some reason and I don’t think you should throw it all away over something that can be discussed and fixed.”   
  
“But— ”  
  
“But what?” Tsukishima chided, “Don’t you love him?”  
  
“...Yeah,” Yamaguchi wilted, “But I don’t want him to think it’s okay to treat me like this if we make up.”  
  
“Then tell him that,”   
  
“Okay,” the brunette nodded.  
  
  
As always, Tsukishima was right, but that didn’t take away from the fact that Yamaguchi was a coward at heart. He knew he should just go talk to Tooru, but he was consumed by fear. What if he was still mad? Or what if he didn’t want Yamaguchi anymore and had decided that he was more trouble than he was worth? Doubts plagued his mind and it frustrated him all the more. Sticking his neck out and bearing his heart were fearsome tasks.  
  
He sat on it for a few more days but ultimately decided to swallow his fear and go visit Oikawa’s school on a Friday afternoon. As afraid as he was, he knew that losing Oikawa would be worse. He would be there for practice, so Yamaguchi knew he could catch him there.   
  
He wasn’t going necessarily to apologize. Even now, he knew he wasn’t in the wrong, and he was sure Oikawa knew it too. But that didn’t mean that they shouldn’t talk. He wanted to have a thorough discussion with Oikawa so that this would never happen again. Communication was important and was desperately needed to get over this obstacle in their relationship.   
  
So, he steeled himself and made his way to Aoba Johsai.   
  
When he arrived at the gate, he felt his resolve slowly faltering. His different uniform was getting him some strange looks and he could already feel that he was curling in on himself. He nervous to talk to Oikawa.  
  
Yamaguchi caught sight of Oikawa walking near the gate with a couple classmates still in uniform, and his breath hitched. His anger melted and his heart hammered in his chest. Oikawa was still as beautiful as the day he first saw him and _wow_ , he really missed him.  
  
“Oikawa,” Yamaguchi called out lightly, giving a wave when the elder’s head turned to him. He was a few metres away.  
  
 _Cold, cold eyes_.   
  
Oikawa glowered at him and Yamaguchi felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. He saw Oikawa’s jaw tighten and he could already feel his hands shaking at his sides and bile rising in his throat.  
  
“...Who’s that?” one of Oikawa’s classmates murmured to the taller boy.  
  
Oikawa shrugged, “Dunno. He’s some whiney guy from Karasuno that keeps trailing after me like some lost puppy or something.” His tone was uncaring and Yamaguchi could feel hot tears brimming.   
  
Before Yamaguchi knew it, he was running. He knew vaguely that he had to go back to the station, but with his heart thundering in his ears and his vision blurry with stupid tears, he just knew that he had to get _away_. He didn’t know who that boy was back there, but it wasn’t Tooru. Tooru never looked at him like that— with such disdain. Tooru had soothed him over and over, telling him that he wasn’t a burden and that he wasn’t unwanted. The boy he had just seen was a stranger.   
  


* * *

Yamaguchi cried and cried for days. He’d wake up crying, then drag himself to school, uncaring for the haggard look on his face, then drag himself home to cry again. Everything hurt. He yearned over and over to be held and soothed by Oikawa but he knew that would never happen ever again. They were done.  
  
Tsukishima supported him the whole time. His face was twisted in fury when Yamaguchi told him what had happened and it was only because Yamaguchi begged him that the blonde didn’t go find Oikawa and rip him apart with his bare hands. He held Yamaguchi when he cried, offering a silent shoulder while they watched Yamaguchi’s favourite movies and ate his favourite snacks.   
  
“Just forget about that fucker,” Tsukishima seethed, “He doesn’t deserve you and as long as you keep looking ahead, you’ll be okay, I promise.” It just made Yamaguchi cry more, but the brunette was still thankful to have such a loyal friend by his side.   
  
  
He got a message from Oikawa after some days.   
  
From: Tooru  
[3:28pm] Can we talk? I need to apologize.  
  
The message made Yamaguchi’s heart clench tightly in his chest. He furiously wiped the tears from his eyes before swiping the notification away. He needed to forget about Oikawa.  
  
He got another one a few hours later.  
  
From: Tooru  
[8:44pm] Tadashi please, I’m so sorry. Please let me make it up   
  
Yamaguchi blocked the number.   
  
  
Yamaguchi spotted Oikawa waiting outside of the school gate on a Monday afternoon while on his way to volleyball practice alongside Tsukishima. Oikawa looked like a mess. He was antsy while he bounced on his toes outside the gate and there were light bags under his eyes. Nonetheless, he was still beautiful. Yamaguchi let out a squeak when he saw him and Oikawa’s head snapped up at the familiar sound. Their eyes meet and a whisper of a smile flashes on Oikawa’s face and suddenly Yamaguchi couldn’t breathe. Tsukishima quickly took notice and followed Yamaguchi’s line of sight before landing on the older boy.   
  
Tsukishima threw a protective arm over Yamaguchi’s shoulder and ushered him towards the gym with a quiet, “Ignore him, let’s go.”   
  
  
He saw Oikawa outside the school gate three more times in the next two weeks and he ignored him each time until Oikawa eventually stopped coming.  
  
Spring came and Oikawa graduated. Yamaguchi began to forget.

* * *

College was interesting. On one hand, the independence was nice and fresh, and on the other, the looming workload seemed a little ominous. Yamaguchi was just settling in— having had moved into his new apartment a week ago— and his brain seemed like it was going to fry with all the new information he had to take in.   
  
He was living in Tokyo now, and for once, he was alone. Tsukishima had stayed in Miyagi for university, while the dynamic duo had headed off to a different Tokyo university, both on sports scholarships. The only person he really knew was his roommate Terushima. They’d become friends in Yamaguchi’s second year at a summer training camp because of the blonde’s interest in Yamaguchi’s numerous ear piercings and they made out once or twice before mutually deciding to keep things platonic. They remained close however, and gave each other messy stick-and-pokes that same summer. Terushima was fun and breezy, and it didn’t hurt that they were attending the same university.   
  
“You’ve got so many piercings on your ears; ever thought about getting one of these?” Yuuji asked, sticking his tongue out to show his piercing.  
  
“Eh? No way,” Yamaguchi shook his head with a grin, “Too scary. Seems painful.”  
  
“Says the guy with the industrial piercing,”  
  
Yamaguchi chuckled while he fiddled with said piercing. He had originally just had the singular piercings in his earlobes, but after the shit storm that was his and Oikawa’s breakup, Yamaguchi had gone and gotten two more on his lobes in his desperate need for change. After that, he started to like the feeling, so he went back to get his helix on his left ear done. Then again to get an industrial on his right. And then a snug on his left. And then his helix again on his right. He thought about getting his nipples pierced before Tsukishima slapped him upside the head and told him not to.  
  
After graduation, Yamaguchi told himself that _what Tsukki doesn’t know won’t kill him_ and got his nipples done anyway. Then, he and Terushima got tattoos together— Yuuji getting a rose on his forearm and Yamaguchi getting a butterfly on his shoulder. Tsukishima scolded him when he found out and Yamaguchi offered a, “Sorry, Tsukki!” through bouts of laughter and both of them knew that neither meant what they said.   
  
  
After a week of classes, Yamaguchi decided to check out the volleyball club. They had invited him to join once he was accepted into the school— he _was_ captain in his third year and helped bring them to nationals after all— but he wanted to get acclimated with his classes before jumping into extracurriculars.   
  


* * *

When Oikawa saw _him_ walk into the gym, it was like the world stopped. He hadn’t seen him in three years and he had forced himself not to think about him during that time, but here he was, entering the gym looking _perfect_ : his Tadashi. He didn’t remember Yamaguchi being so punk when they dated, but that had clearly changed if his black ripped skinny jeans and plethora of ear piercings were anything to go by. His hair was longer now and his shoulders were broader in his loose black t-shirt, and _was that a tattoo_? Oikawa had to blink because _wow he was staring_.   
  
Yamaguchi introduced himself to the coach who greeted him kindly and instructed him to get changed, then the freckled boy’s eyes scanned the gym and ultimately landed on him. A flicker of surprise flashed in the younger boy’s eyes and Oikawa tried giving him a wobbly smile but then Yamaguchi’s face hardened and he frowned, turning away.   
  
_Right_. He had broken Tadashi’s heart.   
  
Back then when he had said those awful words in front of Tadashi, Oikawa didn’t know what had come over him, and he regretted it the second it came out of his mouth. But he was young and foolish and, oh so prideful at the time, so it took him a few days to come back to his senses and realize the damage he had done. It wasn’t Yamaguchi’s fault, but Oikawa was so _terrible_ to him and by the time he fully recognized that, he was too late. When Oikawa had visited Yamaguchi’s school to see him, the pain he saw in the younger boy’s eyes made his heart _ache_ and he wanted to get on his knees and ask for forgiveness; for Yamaguchi to yell at him, or hit him— _anything_ so he could begin to mend things between them, but Yamaguchi wouldn’t even speak to him.   
  
Oikawa deserved it, that was unquestionable. But he was selfish, and completely in love, and he wanted Yamaguchi back. Sure, he had dated a bit during his time in high school but nobody ever even came _close_ to making him feel the way Yamaguchi made him feel, and to this day, that remained true. But he ruined everything by being a stupid self-centered asshole. Yamaguchi was finished with him and Oikawa would never get him back. So he graduated with an immensely heavy heart and did his best to shove his feelings down and carry on with life— god knows Yamaguchi did.   
  
Oikawa thought that his feelings for Yamaguchi were now mostly resolved. While his love for him would never completely go away, Oikawa could sum it up as a torch he would forever carry in the recesses of his heart; something small, but nevertheless burning. It was nothing like the all-consuming fire that it once was but that was probably for the best— he had to move on.   
  
He thought he would never see Yamaguchi again, but now here he was, right in front of him. That changed everything. That flame in his heart flickered a little and it was like feeling sunlight again.   
  


* * *

Seeing Oikawa made Yamaguchi’s stomach twist in knots. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Yamaguchi was supposed to never see him again, but here he was, standing across the gym with that stupid soft smile on his face. It brought Yamaguchi back to a different time, but he quickly shoved it down and turned away. He wasn’t going to let Oikawa ruin his college volleyball experience.  
  
Once the coach instructed him, Yamaguchi got changed in the locker room then came out to start his stretches. A boy trotted over and greeted him with a cheerful, “Tadashi!” Yamaguchi identified him as Sakunami Kousuke— Date Tech’s libero. They were friendly in high school since they were the same age and attended a few training camps together.   
  
Yamaguchi wiped thoughts of Oikawa from his mind and focused on the boy in front of him. He’s a little taller than he was in their first year, but it wasn’t by much; Yamaguchi was easily a head taller than him. He was cute and earnest though— he remembered thinking that the last time they had seen each other. “Sakunami! I didn’t know you were going here,” Yamaguchi shot a smile up at him while he stretched his legs out.   
  
“Kousuke is fine,” Sakunami smiled sheepishly, “It’s good to have someone from Miyagi all the way out here. As far as I know there’s only Oikawa and Yahaba from Miyagi, but I don’t know them all that well, so good thing you showed up!” The sound of Oikawa’s name made Yamaguchi’s shoulders tense but Sakunami didn’t catch it. He jerked a thumb to the boys in question, “They’re from Aoba Johsai.” As if Yamaguchi didn’t know. He nodded politely anyway.   
  
  
For the rest of practice, Yamaguchi stuck close to Sakunami, and the shorter boy didn’t seem to mind it. While with him, Yamaguchi made a few more friends from his year that Sakunami introduced him to. Yamaguchi was thankful; the team’s roster ran deep, so with luck he could go the whole season with minimal interaction with his ex, who he could presently feel drilling holes in the back of his skull with his sharp gaze.   
  
At the end of practice, the team filed into the locker room and from the corner of his eye, Yamaguchi caught Oikawa at the perimeter of his vision coming closer. Oikawa knew that Yamaguchi saw him so he raised a hand to wave, but Yamaguchi quickly turned his head and headed to a locker by Sakunami. They’ve been over for years, so Yamaguchi didn’t know why the hell Oikawa was trying to talk to him. They had no reason to be friends, and he hoped the older would pick up on that soon enough. Yamaguchi was friends with plenty of his exes from high school, but this was different. Back then, Oikawa was everything to Yamaguchi— his first kiss, his first romantic hand-holding, his first date, his first _everything_. His first heartbreak too. He didn’t want Oikawa anywhere near him now, lest he punch the living daylights out of the older boy.  
  
“There’s a welcome party on campus next Saturday for both the girls and boys volleyball teams if you want to come,” Sakunami said while he slid his shirt on, pulling Yamaguchi out of his stupor, “I can come pick you up.”   
  
“Ah, really?” Yamaguchi said, changing out of his own clothes, “Sure, that sounds fun.”   
  


* * *

During practices for the rest of the week, Oikawa keeps on trying to make contact with Yamaguchi, but the younger boy won’t budge. He finds a way to slip away every time and it’s frustrating. Oikawa just wanted to say hello; he wanted to see where they were at, and see if maybe friendship was an option. He wanted Yamaguchi’s eyes on him again. But all Yamaguchi did was ignore him or send him cold glances. It was becoming pretty clear that he didn’t want anything to do with Oikawa.

* * *

Yamaguchi becomes acquainted with the rest of the team over the next two weeks. They’re all very nice and Yamaguchi gets along with all of them— aside from Oikawa who he obviously avoids. He gets especially close to Sakunami and Yahaba; being from Miyagi helps, but he finds that regardless of that, he likes their personalities. Sakunami is strong-willed and sweet and reminds Yamaguchi of Shouyou a bit, although the black-haired boy is smarter. Yahaba on the other hand is a little conceited on the surface and he makes shitty jokes constantly, but underneath that, Yamaguchi coud tell that he was passionate about volleyball and his other aspirations. He likes them.   
  
“Do you not like Oikawa-san or something?” Sakunami whispers to him one afternoon when they’re changing after practice. The question startles Yamaguchi, but he should’ve been expecting it soon enough. Being teammates with the quiet Aone, Sakunami was quite good at discerning non-verbal cues, and so far, Yamaguchi had befriended all the people from Miyagi on their team, and he was at least acquainted with everyone else. The only person he had yet to talk to was Oikawa.   
  
At the sound of his name, Yamaguchi sees Oikawa’s ears perk up. He’s just across the room. It’s obvious to Yamaguchi that Oikawa can hear Sakunami, but the shorter boy doesn’t catch that, since his back is turned. Yamaguchi couldn’t care less if Oikawa heard him anyway. “Nothing like that,” Yamaguchi tries a smile but even he can feel that it’s tense, “I don’t even know him— our team’s just played a few games against each other in high school, that’s all. Same as you.” Sakunami must pick up on the way that Yamaguchi’s jaw involuntarily clenches because he swiftly changes the subject, not daring to pry.  
  
Yamaguchi peers at Oikawa across the room and sees the older boy’s head hang low as he changes slower than before.   
  


* * *

It’s Saturday and Oikawa has been dragged to the volleyball welcome party. He doesn’t really want to be here, but perhaps a few drinks would be nice. Oikawa has been to this same welcome party twice already since he joined as a freshman, so he knew most of these people anyway. So he situates himself on a stool in the kitchen and nurses a drink, greeting his friends from both teams with a slight smile.  
  
Everything is fine until Yamaguchi shows up with an arm around Sakunami’s shoulder. He’s wearing a white turtleneck with some band tee thrown over top, both tucked into straight black jeans adorned with strings of chains around the belt loops. To top it all off, he has a bright orange beanie pulled over his head, keeping his long hair out of his eyes. He’s stunning and Oikawa can’t do anything about it.  
  
Yamaguchi greets their team members cheerfully and let his arm slip out from Sakunami’s shoulder so he can make his own way around, and Oikawa lets out a sigh of relief. His reprieve is only temporary however, because after downing a few drinks, Yamaguchi is exceedingly friendly, and by friendly, he means flirtatious. Yamaguchi talks amicably with the girls from the other team, as well as his own teammates, and Oikawa can easily see the way they’re all melting into Yamaguchi’s sweet smile. _Been there,_ Oikawa thinks. Yamaguchi absentmindedly lets his hands graze people’s waists and smalls of their backs while he speaks to them in a low, pleasant voice and Oikawa almost wants to wipe the blushes off of their faces.   
  
There’s a few people doing body shots in the dining room and Yamaguchi lets himself get ushered in, with a few hoots of his teammates. There’s a second year from their team on the table with his shirt pushed up and Yamaguchi saunters in easily and does it quickly, with a quirk of his brow. When he pulls away from the second year with a lime wedge in his mouth and a cocky look in his eyes, Oikawa lets a huff out from across the room and sips more of his drink.   
  
The party escalates as people get more alcohol into their systems and Oikawa all but sinks into himself when he sees Yamaguchi pressing Sakunami into a wall in the living room and kissing the life out of him. Sakunami’s cheeks are pink and he’s gripping at Yamaguchi’s shirt with both hands and Oikawa is fuming, his hands balling into fists on top of his pants.  
  
“You okay, Oikawa?” Yahaba’s voice startles Oikawa. He’s beside Oikawa, pouring himself another drink, “You look like you’re about to burst a blood vessel.”  
  
“Huh— oh, no I’m fine,” Oikawa shakes his head, his eyes darting to Yamaguchi and Sakunami one more time.   
  
Yahaba follows his line of sight, and he lets out a chuckle, “Ah, Yamaguchi sure is a wild one, huh? Who would’ve thought?”   
  
“He sure is,” Oikawa sighs. With every passing day, Oikawa witnesses how different Yamaguchi is from the person he knew all those years ago. He wasn’t averted to change— in fact he felt proud seeing how confident Yamaguchi was nowadays. But those were changes he wishes he was there to witness take place. He wanted to know just how much Yamaguchi had changed. Oikawa wanted to see it all and learn everything.   
  
Yahaba left with a laugh and Oikawa took the time to pour himself another drink.   
  
  
The party winds down after a few hours and people begin to make their way home. Yahaba is already gone, but that’s fine because Oikawa is within walking distance of campus, so he decides to take off on his own.   
  
“Oi, Kawa-kun, you live near me right?” there’s a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see his teammate, Satori, snickering at his own pun. Oikawa nods. He’s a little drunk. “We’re walking back as a group, if you wanna tag along,” he jerks a thumb to a group of about seven or so chatting by the door. Yamaguchi is in that group.   
  
“Sure,” Oikawa replies.   
  
The group makes their way out, and Oikawa stays near the back of the group by Satori, and they make idle conversation. Yamaguchi— perceptive as ever— takes notice of Oikawa and makes his way to the front of the group and chats with a girl. Slowly, people break off from the group as they pass by apartment complexes.   
  
Satori bids him goodnight before turning off, and then, it’s just Oikawa and Yamaguchi. Oikawa is suddenly thankful that he lives the farthest out of the group. However, Yamaguchi gives no indication that he knows (or cares) that it’s just the two of them. He continues on with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his eyes looking firmly ahead.   
  
For a few moments, Oikawa just watches Yamaguchi from a few paces behind him. He’s taller than before, and there was a good chance he was taller than Oikawa now. His stance is overall larger than before, carrying a certain heft and confidence that probably came with being a captain. But when it’s just the two of them, that frigid air returns. Everything in Oikawa’s instincts is telling him to stay away and not to engage, but he swallows the feeling down and speaks anyway.  
  
“Why won’t you talk to me?” he braved quietly, speeding up a little so he could walk beside Tadashi.  
  
The look Yamaguchi gives him when he turns to face him could freeze hell. He’s furious. And he stands a few inches above Oikawa. “Do I fucking know you?” he spits venomously. Yamaguchi’s eyes are swimming with anger and his shoulders are shaking. Oikawa knew that now would be the time to back off, but he couldn’t. Instead he marveled inside at how pretty the angry and slightly inebriated flush on Yamaguchi’s face was. Right now, he was risking being the recipient of Tadashi’s wrath, but it was worth it if he could gaze at his face this close for just a few more seconds.  
  
The words hurt. He deserves it. But they hurt. He doesn’t want Tadashi to hate him. Anything but that. “I-I’m sorry. About the past,” Oikawa spluttered.   
  
“Fuck you,” Yamaguchi sneered.   
  
“I want to make things right,” Oikawa tries again, despite the fact that Yamaguchi looks like he’s about to rip his throat out with his teeth, “Is there a chance we could be friends?”  
  
“Stay the hell away from me,” Yamaguchi growls before turning left at an apartment complex. He punches in a code at the door and it buzzes open.   
  
When the glass door shuts behind Yamaguchi, Oikawa feels something hot on his cheeks so he brushes it off with a couple of fingers. Tears. He didn’t even realize he was crying, but now the tears are flowing, searing and fat down his cheeks. He can’t grasp for the life of him why he’s crying now of all times. Maybe because he’s drunk and sensitive right now. Probably because the boy who he had thought was the love of his life at one point hated him now and it was all his fault and there was no chance they could even be friends. Oikawa would never be able to express how sorry he was or how much he loved Tadashi.   
  
  
At practice on Monday, Yamaguchi doesn’t even spare him a glance.  
  


* * *

Three weeks pass and Yamaguchi doesn’t interact with Oikawa at all. He keeps to himself and his friends, and returns back to his old cheerful mood after a while. He truly isn’t one to keep a grudge but there was something about Oikawa that made him so _angry_. Even catching sight of the boy made him see red. Each time, his mind races along the lines of _who does he think he is?!_ and _how dare he talk to me after what he did_. Yamaguchi doesn’t like the poisonous feeling he gets in his gut when he gets angry, so he stays away.   
  
Yamaguchi is getting ready to leave evening practice on a Tuesday. He arrived a little late, so he stayed a little longer to make up for it, so he was one of the last to leave as far as he knew. He changes quickly, alone, in the locker room and shuffles out. He paces the sidelines of the gym and his eyes land on Oikawa— the _actual_ last one here— who was practicing his serves again. His brow furrows in frustration and sweat drips down his forehead when his powerful serve lands out of bounds. Yamaguchi keeps his head down.  
  
He’s one foot out the door when he hears a squeak of shoes and a loud yelp from behind him. Oikawa fell. Against his better instincts, Yamaguchi turns on his heel and trudges back inside to check on him. He hated the asshole but he also knew all too well about his knee trouble and he knew better than to leave their star player alone and risk permanent damage.   
  
Oikawa is on the gym floor, one leg tucked under him and the other one— the braced one— bent a bit. He grumbles as he tries to get up, but winces in pain once he gets to a certain point. Yamaguchi’s bag was already dropped to the floor.   
  
“Stay there. I’m gonna get ice,” Yamaguchi ordered.  
  
Oikawa’s head whipped up. He was so in his head, he didn’t realize that he wasn’t alone. “I’m fine— ” he fretted.  
  
“Shut up,” Yamaguchi barked before taking off for the first aid kit.   
  


* * *

Yamaguchi returns within the minute with an ice pack wrapped in a towel. He places it on the bench before striding over to Oikawa. He lifts him wordlessly and Oikawa’s hands immediately fly around his neck for support as he lets out a small whimper. The freckled boy’s face is unreadable when he hands Oikawa the ice pack. “Ice it yourself. I’ll clean up,” he instructs.  
  
“I— thanks,” Oikawa mutters before pressing the ice pack to his knee with a scrunched nose.   
  
They don’t talk while Yamaguchi cleans up the gym. He puts the net away and sweeps the floor and all Oikawa can do is stare helplessly. It takes him ten or so minutes. Once he finishes, Yamaguchi makes his way back to Oikawa with his jaw clenched.   
  
“How’s your knee, can you walk?” Yamaguchi asks.  
  
His knee feels a little better after the ice, so he tries it, bending it a little, and he finds it’s mostly fine. “Yeah, I think so,” he nods. He gets up to stand, but immediately feels light-headed, stumbling forward onto Yamaguchi. The younger holds him up with his hands. “Sorry,” Oikawa mumbles, pushing away.  
  
A flash of concern crosses Yamaguchi’s face, then he presses the back of his hand to Oikawa’s forehead which is still slightly sweaty. “You’re sick,” Yamaguchi sighed, “Why are you overworking yourself again when you have a fever? Are you stupid?”   
  
Oikawa hadn’t even realized he was sick. He was feeling slightly weaker lately, but he was still sad about Yamaguchi, so he was pouring all his energy into volleyball and school, so he hadn’t even noticed. “I didn’t— ” he squeaked.   
  
“Whatever. I don’t care,” the younger cut him off, “You live close to me right?” Oikawa nodded slowly. “Okay, put a jacket on. I’ll carry you back, you look like you’re about to pass out.” Yamaguchi directed.   
  
Oikawa couldn’t find it in himself to fight back. Yamaguchi was right, he _did_ feel like he was going to pass out. Wordlessly, he fishes his jacket out of his bag and slides it over his head, then climbs onto Yamaguchi’s back while the younger stoops himself lower so Oikawa can climb on.   
  
It’s a fifteen or so minute walk back to his apartment and Yamaguchi piggybacks him the entire way, his hands gripping the undersides of Oikawa’s thighs tightly. Oikawa notes that Yamaguchi is surprisingly strong. They don’t exchange words. Oikawa decidedly keeps his mouth shut because he’s tired and he doesn’t want to upset Yamaguchi again. Instead, he rests his head against Yamaguchi’s shoulder and lets himself take in the boy’s warmth and scent.   
  
Oikawa only speaks when they near his apartment and he directs Yamaguchi where to go and what code to put in. Yamaguchi takes him up to his floor and before Oikawa knows it, he’s been placed onto his bed.   
  
Yamaguchi’s eyes scan his room lightly while Oikawa shucks his jacket off. His eyes pause over something on Oikawa’s desk and the elder glances over as well, his gaze landing on a small plush that Yamaguchi had once gotten for him as a gift. His face flushes at the memory, and he hopes Yamaguchi doesn’t remember, but it’s clear that he does.   
  
“When does your roommate get back?” Yamaguchi asked, stuffing his hands in his pockets like he always did.  
  
 _Shit_. “Not til tomorrow,” Oikawa admitted, eyes downcast, “He’s at a friend’s house.”   
  
Yamaguchi groans. “Whatever. Stay here and get changed into some pyjamas or something,” he mutters before leaving the room. Oikawa briefly wonders where he’s going and if he’s going to leave, but then he hears shuffling in his kitchen— cabinets opening and shutting and the clang of a pot on the stove. His heart warms.   
  
Oikawa obediently gets changed and swipes on some deodorant. Once he’s settled in his bed, he realizes just how sick he actually is, as the fatigue starts creeping into his system.   
  
He must’ve dosed off because when he opens his eyes again, Yamaguchi is shuffling into his room with a tray of porridge and water. Oikawa accepts the tray silently and places it on his bedside table before sipping his water. The porridge smells good, so he eats it while Yamaguchi takes a seat in his desk chair, watching him stoically to make sure he finishes. Once finished, he lays back in his bed and lets out a sated sigh, turning to look at Yamaguchi. The younger boy doesn’t move, and Oikawa wonders absentmindedly if and when he will leave. It’s not like he wants Yamaguchi to leave, but the freckled boy had already done what he came to do, so he doesn’t know why he’s still here.   
  
Maybe it’s fever, and maybe it’s fatigue— probably both— but before he can think twice, he has a hand over his eyes and the words come out, “I loved you, y’know.” He can’t bring himself to look at Yamaguchi. He doesn’t want to see Yamaguchi’s face twist in anger or disgust at his words.   
  
There’s the sound of movement from the chair as Yamaguchi sits up. “We’re not talking about this,” Yamaguchi grunted, “That was years ago, so it doesn’t matter anymore.”  
  
“It matters to me,” Oikawa says back instantly, “And if it doesn’t matter to you, then why are you so cold to me?” He still doesn’t look over at the boy, and his voice shakes while he speaks.  
  
There’s a pause. “You didn’t love me. If you loved me, then you wouldn’t have said what you said back then,” Yamaguchi scoffed, ignoring the question.   
  
Oikawa’s heart aches. Yamaguchi doesn’t have to explicitly say what exactly what he’s referring to because they both know all too well. “You’re right— I shouldn’t have said what I said. And you were right back then too. It was stress. I took it out on you and it was wrong and fucked up what I did. I shouldn’t’ve said all that stuff about your friend either; it was misplaced, I know that now. But I was so scared back then. Scared about college and scared about moving away from you and scared about falling in love for the first time in my life,” Oikawa finally lets himself look at Yamaguchi. He’s looking right him. He doesn’t look angry, but there’s something else swimming within those deep brown eyes. _Hurt_. Yamaguchi’s brows are furrowed and he looks like he’s in pain, and somehow this is worse. Wrath was better. “If you would give me a chance, I would make it up to you a hundred— a thousand times over,” Oikawa affirmed.   
  
Yamaguchi breathes a sigh and closes his eyes, rubbing tired hands over his eyes. “Did you know,” he croaked, “I never felt insecure about other people with you— not after you had told me that one time that I had nothing to worry about. I was no longer afraid that you would leave me for someone else— someone better— because you told me that _I_ was it for you. I trusted you infinitely, and I just wish you had that same trust in me. Even if it was just a little bit. But then you told your stupid classmates that I was just some whiny _dog_ that you couldn’t get rid of just because you were upset at me. How could you do that? What gave you the right?” Yamaguchi’s voice quivered the same way Oikawa’s did as he continued to speak and his heart opened slowly. This _hurt_.  
  
“And I’m so sorry. I’m so _fucking sorry_ , Tadashi— you don’t even know,” he urged, beginning to sit up, “It was the biggest and stupidest mistake I ever made, and I would do anything to go back and change it. Then maybe we would still be together— ”  
  
“No,” Yamaguchi cuts him off scathingly, “If it wasn’t that, then it would be something else. College would be too far, or you’d get tired of me. It was eight months; stop acting like it was anything more than that.”   
  
“It _was_ more than that, Tadashi,” Oikawa sighs, “Who do you think you’re kidding? I know you felt what I felt back then. I _still_ feel that today. Are you really going to tell me that you don’t have even a dash of those feelings left?”   
  
Yamaguchi bolts up from his chair abruptly and his eyes are scornful once again. His heart is closing and his defenses are flying up before Oikawa’s eyes and he can’t do anything to stop it. “Don’t _fuck with me_. And don’t _ever_ say that shit to me ever again,” Yamaguchi snapped, “I’m leaving. If you need something then just call one of your friends. But stay away from me from now own.” He grabs his bag from the ground with a forceful hand and the door slams loudly behind him.  
  


* * *

Oikawa doesn’t come to practice for the next three days. Yamaguchi overhears that the older boy is still sick. On the fourth day, he returns looking drained, but present nonetheless. Oikawa doesn’t wave or smile at him.  
  
  
It’s a Sunday night and Yamaguchi is studying for a test at the kitchen table. He can hear Yuuji’s music playing from his room and it’s soothing while he works.  
  
Then, there’s banging on his front door and he startles in his seat. He gets up from his chair and calls out, “I’ll get it,” to Yuuji.  
  
It’s Oikawa, and he looks disheveled and heaving for air. He ran here.  
  
“Wh— ” is all Yamaguchi can get out before Oikawa holds up a palm to stop him.  
  
“Just let me talk for five minutes. That’s all,” he wheezes. He gulps down some air before speaking, smoothing his hair and wrinkled shirt with both hands. “I love you. I don’t think I ever stopped. And after the other day, I gave what you said some thought— like some _real_ thought, and I realized that I would never get tired of you, Tadashi. I ran the idea through my head a hundred times and I just didn’t see it happening. You’re _so_ smart and you’re talented and driven in everything you do. And you carry yourself with so much confidence that sometimes it scares me. You’re amazingly funny and you’re so patient with everyone you meet. You mesmerize me and that’ll never go away,” he breathes, “I know it might’ve just been eight months to you, but it was _everything_ to me. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you. You— you’re everything, Tadashi. I will never stop being sorry for hurting you and I can promise you that it’ll never happen again. I’ll spend everyday making up for it. Just— please, give me a chance. One month. That’s it. I’ll take you on dates and treat you properly and cherish you, and if you find that after that, you still don’t like me, then I’ll let you go. I’ll do my best to get over you and leave you alone.”   
  
Oikawa is looking straight at him. He _sees_ him and his eyes are earnest and begging; his pride completely thrown away. It starts something in Yamaguchi that he was sure he had destroyed and forgotten about. “I—" he gulped, "I’ll think about it. Is that enough?“  
  
The older boy’s face lights up and Yamaguchi can see the relief practically wash over him in waves. “It’s more than enough. Thank you. _Seriously_ , thank you,” Oikawa said, “I’ll um— leave you to it then.” Then Oikawa is off.  
  
Yamaguchi stares at the closed door for a few minutes, not knowing what to do with himself. Oikawa always was one for a surprise.   
  
“Getting love confessions in the middle of the night, Tada-chan?” Terushima’s lilting voice teases and Yamaguchi whips around to face him. “Who knew you were so popular?”   
  
“I— ” Yamaguchi blurted. He just stared at Yuuji while his breath quickened and he quickly slid to the floor. Yuuji’s eyes instantly soften and all hints of teasing slip from his face while he strides over to Yamaguchi to crouch by him.  
  
“Everything okay?” he asked, “That did seem pretty intense. Do I gotta beat this guy up or something?”   
  
“He— he’s my ex,” Yamaguchi breathed trying to ground himself, “From high school. We’re on the volleyball team together.”   
  
“So do I gotta beat him up?”   
  
“N-no,” Yamaguchi stuttered, “I hated him. I really did, Yuuji. But I think— I think things are different now.”   
  
  
After some hugs and consoling from Yuuji over an emotion that he doesn’t know what to name, Yamaguchi collects himself and goes to his room. He thinks about Oikawa; about the past, and both of their feelings, and how things were now. It made his head spin.   
  
It takes two whole days for him to collect himself before he eventually bucks up and calls Oikawa out after evening practice. They’re alone outside the gym, and Oikawa instantly starts fidgeting when he sees Yamaguchi approaching him; playing with his fingers and not looking at the younger boy for more than a few seconds.  
  
“Okay,” Yamaguchi sighs, “I’d like to try.”   
  
Oikawa’s eyes widen in shock and Yamaguchi has half the heart to tell him, _what did you expect_? “Really?” Oikawa asks.  
  
“Yeah. I hate to admit it, but I _do_ still think about you sometimes. I think about what could’ve been with us, and it fucks me up. I wanted to get over you and forget that _we_ ever happened. And then I showed up here, and there you were, and that just made things that much harder. But I don’t like this bitter feeling that I have all the time. If nothing else, I think we should get some closure, so yes.” Yamaguchi nodded.  
  
Oikawa lets a wistful smile escape him. He didn’t want this to end in a month with just closure, but at this point he would take anything.   
  


* * *

Things are beyond shaky at first. They begin with a coffee date and Oikawa pays. They catch up awkwardly about the last three years and Yamaguchi occasionally snaps at him before reining himself in quickly. It reminds Oikawa a little of a feral cat getting used to a new home and it makes him chuckle but he doesn’t mention it. They sip coffee and split a cookie and Oikawa does his best to indulge himself subtly— staring unabashedly at the boy only when he drinks or is distracted by something else. He lets his eyes linger over the piercings on Yamaguchi’s ears and the tiny ponytail at the back of his head and the bobby pins slipped into his hair to keep the numerous falling strands in place. He eagerly drinks up the tiny smiles that Yamaguchi lets slip a few times. Sure, he’d seen him smile with their teammates, but he hadn’t had one directed at him in literal years, so he revels in it.  
  
Oikawa doesn’t dare touch him. He’s aware of how delicate this situation is and he was doing his utmost to make sure he doesn’t fuck things up just when he got Yamaguchi. So he remains a respectful distance and stays patient. This reminds him of when they had first started going out and Oikawa wouldn’t kiss the boy. Hopefully his patience would pay off the same way.  
  
  
On their next date, Yamaguchi suggests nervously that they visit his favourite record shop before grabbing lunch. “I’m not trying to make you help me run errands or anything but— ”  
  
“Sounds fun. Let’s go,” Oikawa smiles softly. He’s endlessly thankful that Yamaguchi is beginning to slowly bare himself— sharing bits and pieces of himself for Oikawa to collect greedily.  
  
So, they go, walking side by side. Oikawa still doesn’t touch him, but he walks close enough that sometimes Yamaguchi’s elbow brushes his, and he’s filled with a warm feeling. Once inside, Yamaguchi greets the clerk who he’s apparently familiar with and then shows Oikawa around. While he leafs through records, he tells Oikawa about his record collection and his favourite bands. He’s animated while he speaks and his excitement slowly builds until his hands begin to gesture as he explains things to Oikawa who just nods along, enamoured.   
  
“Am I talking too much?” Yamaguchi frets after a while, his eyebrows knitting together.   
  
“No, never,” Oikawa shakes his head earnestly, “I like to hear you talk about things you like.” They both blush. It’s embarrassing, but it’s nice.   
  
  
Over the next few weeks, Oikawa takes Yamaguchi stargazing and he takes him on picnics. When they lay beside each other on the blanket on the grass, Oikawa _wants_ to touch. Yamaguchi is so close— it would be easy— but he stops himself every time. One slip up was all it would take for things to come to a shattering end. Nevertheless, Oikawa is still content. He still gets to spend time with Yamaguchi and learn all these new things about him and reaffirm things that stayed the same.   
  
Yamaguchi eventually gets him to stop paying for dates; insisting that they either split it or take turns paying. Oikawa protests because _he’s_ supposed to be the one trying to win over Yamaguchi and people being won over don’t pay for their dates. Yamaguchi just laughs at him and it’s full and light and Oikawa is _swooning_ , so he gives in.   
  
  
They go see a movie at some point. It’s dark so Oikawa thinks he can get away with staring at Yamaguchi through is peripheral vision instead of the screen in front of them. His eyes can’t stop pausing over Yamaguchi’s hand that sits on the arm rest next to his. He wants to touch. He wants to feel the warmth on his palm that he spent months savouring and then years yearning for.   
  
“You can hold my hand, y’know,” Yamaguchi whispers to him, leaning in close so the elder can hear him. A playful smile slips on Yamaguchi’s face when he flips his hand so it’s palm up, offering it to Oikawa— and Oikawa knows instantly that Yamaguchi knew he was staring the whole time. His face grows stupidly hot, but he slips his hand into Yamaguchi’s grip anyway and it feels like home. Yamaguchi’s hands are slightly rough and Oikawa realizes that though its new and a little different, it’s everything he’s ever wanted and he lets their fingers intertwine. He’s got the dopiest smile on his face, but he can’t bring himself to wipe it away.  
  


* * *

Yamaguchi is supposed to be picking up Oikawa from class before their date today at the farmer’s market. They’ve been going on quite a few of them, and slowly but surely he’s warming up to them. He’s learning to be less terse and venomous with the boy and thankfully, Oikawa is patient. Yamaguchi knows that he’s beginning to heal from the pain in the past because that bitter feeling in his gut is appearing less frequently. Instead, he feels warm and calm when he sees Oikawa, and he welcomes it.  
  
When Oikawa holds his hand, his chest swells and his cheeks warm. He knows this feeling well— he’s falling again. At first, he’s afraid. He desperately doesn’t want a repeat of last time. Oikawa was infinitely patient and kind now, but Yamaguchi isn’t sure if that would be the case when the going got tough. But the Oikawa before him was more honest than the one he knew before. He was open about good things and bad. He told Yamaguchi when he was feeling under the weather or when he was feeling frustrating about school or volleyball-related things. He wasn’t bottling things up anymore— instead talking them through like Yamaguchi had hoped. He was vulnerable now. It was reassuring.   
  
Yamaguchi began to welcome this falling feeling. As many people as he dated in high school, Yamaguchi knew full well from the start that Oikawa was not only his first love, but his most important one too. Even a few months ago, he knew that, despite his anger. But he wanted to hope again.   
  
  
He’s waiting in the hallway outside the classroom when the door opens and students begin to file out as the class ends. Yamaguchi spots Oikawa and is about to send a wave but the elder hadn’t seen him yet— he was chatting with a few friends. They walk towards the door and his friends must’ve caught Yamaguchi’s gaze because soon enough, one asks, “Who’s that?”  
  
Suddenly Yamaguchi is an anxious high schooler, waiting outside of Oikawa’s school gate to make up with him, and his heart drops into his stomach and his breathing catches. He tells himself that now thing’s are different, but he can’t stop the feeling of panic gripping his lungs and the bile rising in his throat.  
  
At the question, Oikawa’s head turns and his gaze lands on him. He smiles gently when he realizes who they’re talking about. “Ah, that’s Tadashi, my boyfriend,” he grins. He bids them goodbye, then crosses the hall to stop in front of Yamaguchi.   
  
Oikawa’s hand slips to grasp the back of his neck, rubbing it nervously. “Sorry that I said you’re my boyfriend. I’m not trying to force anything on you, but it seemed the easiest to tell them— ”  
  
Yamaguchi feels relief fill his body and before he knows it, he’s holding Oikawa’s face in his hands and kissing him eagerly. His eyes are squeezed shut and he feels Oikawa easily melt into his hands like putty. It’s a kiss he hasn’t tasted in years and it feels _right_. When he pulls away, Oikawa is flushed and he looks _dazed_.   
  


* * *

Today marked a month. One full month of dates and tender touches with Tadashi that Oikawa doesn’t ever want to let go. He didn’t know if Yamaguchi had gotten that closure that he was searching for. He didn’t know if Yamaguchi was counting down the seconds til he could cut things off and move on from Oikawa. Just the thought makes him sick, but it’s the one that keeps filling his mind. He never wants to part with Yamaguchi, but he knows better than anyone that it isn’t up to him. He was the one that had hurt Yamaguchi, so if Yamaguchi ultimately decides that Oikawa isn’t anything more than old nostalgia, then all Oikawa can do is sit there and take it. He wants to cry.  
  
Yamaguchi arrives at his apartment at around noon. They’re making cupcakes today. When Oikawa opens the door for the younger, he takes in Yamaguchi’s simple t-shirt and jeans and Oikawa is furiously blinking tears away before Yamaguchi can see anything.  
  
“Hey,” Yamaguchi gives him a lopsided smile as he steps into his living room, “Is your roommate here today?”   
  
“No, he’s at work,” Oikawa shakes his head and takes the grocery bag that Yamaguchi is holding from his hands. He pads over to the kitchen and Yamaguchi follows him once he’s toes off his sneakers. Oikawa shuffles through the bag once he places it on his kitchen counter. It’s mostly cupcake stuff, but he quickly grins when he sees a bag of smiley fries, still cold from the freezer. “What’s this?” Oikawa snorts, pulling the frozen fries out and holding them up.  
  
He’s about to turn around to show them to Yamaguchi, but the boy’s arms quickly envelope him from behind and he rests a chin on Oikawa’s shoulder. He smells sweet and spicy and it takes his entire will not to turn around and bury his nose in Yamaguchi’s chest to take him in fully. “I haven’t had lunch yet and I wanted to have smiley fries with you,” Yamaguchi coos into his ear, his tone slightly pouting. It melts him.  
  
“We can do that,” Oikawa musters, slipping out of Yamaguchi’s grasp to turn the oven on. They can just make cupcakes later. If Yamaguchi hasn’t broken up with him by then.  
  
“Something on your mind?” Yamaguchi asks, leaning back against the counter to look at the elder.  
  
“Huh— no,” he smiles ruefully, “I’m fine.” He’s anything but fine but he wants to enjoy the day with Yamaguchi.   
  
Yamaguchi drops it with a nod, then grabs a tray from the cupboard to dump the smileys onto.   
  
Before long, they have the fries heated up from the oven and on a plate, a pool of ketchup on the edge. They sit on the couch and watch cartoons for a bit and Oikawa decides that watching Yamaguchi eat smileys while pressed into his side is one of the best sights to behold.   
  
“You’re staring,” Yamaguchi blurts after swallowing.  
  
“I am,” Oikawa shrugs, “You look very nice.”  
  
“I look the same,”  
  
“Yeah, and that is very nice,” Oikawa says simply. Yamaguchi’s smile is sheepish and his face is pink when he buries his head into the crook of Oikawa’s neck out of embarrassment.   
  
  
Yamaguchi puts on the pink apron that Oikawa lends him once they start getting things ready for red velvet cupcakes and it’s adorable. The younger boy’s attire is entirely black, so the pink makes Oikawa chuckle while he slides on his white one. They start mixing things and Yamaguchi gets a little flour on his cheek and it’s _cute_.   
  
While they get things together, Yamaguchi talks about his annoying biology professor and Oikawa doesn’t register much of what he says. He’s too busy staring at what their hands look like beside each other and how soft and sweet Yamaguchi’s voice is. He still can’t stop thinking that this might be the last moment that he gets to see it.  
  
“Tooru,” Yamaguchi says, tapping the elder with his elbow, “You sure everything is okay? You’re not sick again are you?”  
  
Oikawa’s head whips up and he stares into Yamaguchi’s brown eyes. They’re warm like chocolate. “I’m not sick,” he assured, “I’m fine, I promise. You’re just really pretty sometimes.”   
  
“Stop that,” Yamaguchi squints at him, then goes back to pouring batter into the cupcake sheets, “You’re so mushy.”   
  
They slide the cupcake tins into the oven and go back to watching cartoons. Oikawa can’t help be mushy; when he’s with Yamaguchi, he feels like the stars are aligned and that there’s something divine smiling upon him. He is hopelessly in love with everything about the boy. They’re older now, and it amazes him to see how mature and headstrong of a person Yamaguchi had become. And he was pretty back then, but now Yamaguchi was exquisite. Every second that Oikawa got to look at him was a gift. Every word that came from the boy’s lips, a wonder. Oikawa was undeserving and therefore humbled. So of course he was mushy.   
  
  
Once the timer chimes, Oikawa pulls the pans from the oven and sets them on the stove, grabbing a toothpick to test that the inside is cooked while the taller boy begins to pull things out for the cream cheese frosting— Yamaguchi’s favourite. Oikawa sets the cupcakes on a cooling rack while Yamaguchi scoops the icing into two piping bags. “Tooru,” Yamaguchi calls and Oikawa lifts his head from his task to face the younger boy. Yamaguchi grins when he swipes a thumb over Oikawa’s bottom lip to slide some icing there. His lips are on Oikawa’s in a second and the elder feels his knees buckle when Yamaguchi’s tongue peeks out to lick up the icing on his lip, then dips into his own mouth, teasing. He has to grip the counter to keep himself upright. The absolute devil.   
  
Yamaguchi pulls away and he licks the remainder of icing from his own lips. “Tasty, right?” he smirks. Oikawa huffs and turns back to his task, his face feeling hot.  
  
  
The cupcakes cool and the pair move to the dining table to start piping their cupcakes. They’re quiet and Oikawa does his best to keep his batch neat and pretty, but then he glances over and sees Yamaguchi drawing a dick with his frosting. He snickers and lets himself have more fun with it, trying not to think about how today might be the last time he gets to sit this close this way. They doodle silly drawings on their cupcakes and when they’re five cupcakes away from finishing, Yamaguchi taps their feet together. “Something’s bothering you,” Yamaguchi states.  
  
“Wha— ”  
  
“Don’t try to lie to me, you’ve been weird all day,” Yamaguchi stares at him with a look so genuine and knowing that Oikawa has no choice but to be honest.  
  
Oikawa sighs. His chest feels heavy and he hates how can he feel tears welling already. “Today marks a month,” he hesitates, “I don’t want things to end Tadashi, but we agreed on a month. B-but I like you a lot. Like _really_ like you, and I know I can get you to like me more if you just give me another two weeks— ”  
  
“I already like you, Tooru,” Yamaguchi says, “I thought that was obvious.”  
  
Oikawa’s head snaps up and the tears begin to flow before he can stop it. “What?” he blubbers.  
  
“I kissed you Tooru. I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t want to be with you,” Yamaguchi says, wiping a tear from Oikawa’s cheek with a thumb, but they keep flowing. “I already forgot about the month deadline.”   
  
“But— but you kissed Sakunami-kun,” Oikawa stutters.  
  
“That was different. That didn’t mean anything,” Yamaguchi shakes his head, “We were just drunk. And need I remind you, Kousuke and I don’t have a complicated tragic romantic past the same way we do. And I’m not in love with him the way I am with you.”   
  
Suddenly, Oikawa is clambering over to Yamaguchi’s chair and climbing into his lap, crying and kissing him over and over.   
“So I was the only one worrying this whole time,” he cries, kissing Yamaguchi between breaths. He’s blubbering like a fool and he feels kind of gross, and his position on top of Yamaguchi is less than comfortable, but he’s so overwhelmed with relief that he can’t bring himself to care. “You stupid,” a kiss, “Hot,” another kiss, “Idiot!”  
  
Yamaguchi’s arms encircle his waist easily and the younger boy is smiling into every kiss. “Hot?” he teases, dotting a kiss to Oikawa’s chin.  
  
“Yes, hot,” Oikawa grumbles, “Don’t act like you don’t know.” He begins to calm down and he tucks his face into Yamaguchi’s neck. He smells sweet and spicy. He smells like home.   
  
  
They’re laying on Oikawa’s bed later that night and it’s a little small for two people, but Oikawa has no qualms squeezing together. It’s snug and Oikawa revels in how easily they fit together. “Thank you,” he says after a while, stroking Tadashi’s cheekbone with a thumb, tracing his freckles, “For giving me a chance. I know it wasn’t an easy thing to do after I hurt you before. I’ll be working hard from now on to make sure you’re happy. I’ll be the best boyfriend and I’ll make you so proud that I’m your’s.” They’re on their sides facing each other and Oikawa lets a finger trace Yamaguchi’s face with a touch that’s barely there. He follows the slope of Tadashi’s nose down to his lips where he lingers for a moment before continuing further down,   
sliding along his jaw.  
  
“I am proud,” Tadashi hum, leaning into the touch, “And I forgive you. You recognized what happened with the past, and I can see that you worked hard to change so it would never happen again, and I know it won’t. I don’t want you to feel indebted to me anymore— I don’t want you to feel sorry. We’re a team now and I have complete faith that you won’t hurt me and I’m so glad that you still loved me all this time.” While he speaks, Tadashi runs his fingers through Oikawa’s hair and his touch is tender.   
  
Tadashi is proud of him and Oikawa knows it was all worth it.  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading !! this is my first fic over 10k and im proud of it so i hope u liked it too !!! kudos and comments make my heart warm mwah


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